As I sit here and try to pen this letter this week, I find my mind consumed by the impossible nature of what will occur in my life tomorrow. And how strange it feels for there to be more impossible things happening when already the impossible has occurred and surely in one lifetime only so many impossible things can happen.
And yet here I find myself.
Impossible things have happened.
They are happening.
Despite whatever logic I would like to impress upon the world, that enough is enough, it does not seem to agree and more keeps coming anyway.
I can zoom out from the focus on my individual life and see the greater perspective of the tapestry of our world and recognize that this is not a lived experience unique to myself alone.
That there is deep suffering known by so many in our world.
The suffering of those who have been pushed beyond all thresholds of what is “possible” into a world where the only truth that exists is that impossible things happen every moment.
An existence where every breath is suffused in a pain the soul did not know it could bear and still breathe.
And that there seems to be no end in sight to the pain we knowingly, and sometimes without awareness, bring to bear upon our fellow human beings and Mother Earth and her creatures.
How do we continue to choose to live in an existence where we are tasked with bearing the unbearable—and to know that the unbearable will continue to come in new forms despite our most fervent pleas?
To remain aware that for many of us there are individuals and institutions at play in our lives which hold power and sway over what happens in our world—that in sometimes small and sometimes large ways, we are not the ones who control what will happen to us.
To stay aware and awake to this reality but to not let it completely demoralize us into nothingness.
Another impossible thing to ask of ourselves but of all the impossible things that have been given to us, with this one at least there is some measure of ownership it is possible to grasp onto.
“Control the controllable.”
A mantra often used in the coaching world to remind us in moments of challenge and crisis to return, to focus in, on what is truly within our control.
What is “playable” in our world?
And the answer remains the same every time:
What is always only within our own control is our own self.
Not always our physical body but our mind and our soul—those are ours.
Those remain forever ours—they can not be taken from us.
We can give them away but we are also capable of calling ourselves back to them.
It is always possible to come home to the seat of our soul—no matter where we find ourselves.
But how?
When all is darkness and the pain is excruciating, how do we find our way home?
As I have wrestled with this question, I have found myself returning again and again to the wisdom of those who have come before me who have known deep suffering.
Who have lived through atrocities that will live forever in the manifest of the world’s history as the worst that’s ever happened.
And yet even in the face of absolute inhumanity, there are those who came through without losing their soul or their humanity.
It is to the wisdom that they have shared through their stories that I turn to in these moments where all seems impossible and that I cannot live another moment living in this existence.
And this is one of the lessons I have learned from them:
We begin right where we find ourselves.
We begin as we are: with what we are and what we have been.
With an awareness that much of how we think of ourselves and the world is informed by the constructs of the family and societal structure within which we were raised. That our understanding of how the world functions, what is “right” and what is “wrong” are deeply influenced and controlled by those systems and institutions.
It is time to put our own self into the seat of decision making in our life and to not look outside of ourselves to receive the answers to the questions we ask.
In the darkest hours of our lives, our souls need no light to find their way Home—because they are themselves the only light they need.
We can begin the journey Home with a question:
If I could write five principles to live my life by, what would they be and why?
When I first answered this question two years ago, and each time that I’ve revisited the prompt, I found it challenging to not let the voices of others enter into my psyche. It was interesting to witness how strong the pull of conditioning was within me, that there was a “right” answer and questioning the way things are definitely took me away from that.
Over time, as I have returned again and again to answer this same question, I can feel myself finding the steady ground within me with a little more ease and a greater sense of knowing this place as Home.
With time and repetition there have been specifics that have changed, language that’s been removed or changed, but each iteration has brought me one step closer to my truth.
The truth that on my hard days, the days where life is the most impossible—beyond all reckoning of my farthest imagination—helps guide me back to where my attention needs to be to make it through this moment.
No matter what this moment or the next brings, if I allow these principles to guide me in how I think, interact, and move through the world then I have a chance of retaining my humanity—and my life.
Claire’s Principles to Live By
I will strive to see, acknowledge, and honor the inherent value of each soul I encounter may their form be human, animal, or plant.
I will strive to live in pursuit of Oneness within myself and with all beings upon this Earth and beyond.
I will strive to hold every soul in loving kindness, knowing I know not the stories of others only that we are each fully human and imperfect. My role in this existence is not to judge but to learn to love each soul as we are.
I will strive to honor Liam and Miracle in all that I do, say, and be. I will strive to keep them alive with me and live my days with them.
I will strive to commit to the practices that allow me to forge these connections of mind, body, and spirit within myself and the greater knowing, to practice with diligence, and to begin again when I falter.
And now I want to invite you to join me in seeking your answer to this question.
I really want to encourage you to not simply read this through and go right back out into life, but if you’re able to come alongside this question and spend some time here.
Sink into the stillness of the moment until you can hear the murmurings of your soul.
To really immerse yourself here as you allow yourself to be guided by this deeper knowningness within you.
Write it down.
Make it into art.
Post it around so you have reminders that can recenter you when you get knocked off through the chaos of life.
Read them over and over again until you break free from the chains of the world as we’re told it “should” be and you are able to see the world clearly for what it is to you.
And if you’re worried about making “bad” art or writing the wrong thing, I urge you to set aside those judgements (*lovingly*).
The only purpose that art or writing serve is to make our soul manifest and our love tangible.
And if that is the north star to which we orient ourselves, there can be no wrong answers or bad art created—ever.
I say this as someone who makes “bad” art—often…like A LOT.
Will I ever win a prize or be asked to showcase those pieces anywhere?
That’s a definite nope! nada! zilcherooos!
But when my eyes light upon those pieces, my soul feels seen and that’s a prize far beyond anything this human world could offer.
You are worthy of this gift too.
Your art, your writing, your soul are magnificent in their messiness.
You are deserving of love and presence even when you get things “wrong”.
If our vision is to be light in a world that has gone dark, our success is not marked by how light the world around is but instead by who we become in the process of lighting up the world.
As individuals, and as a collective, we live in impossible times.
There is rarely a week that goes by where news of someone’s death within my community isn’t heard.
The pain that we hold, that we witness, is unbearable.
The circumstances within which we find ourselves are untenable.
When we find ourselves in impossible circumstances—
and we are not as we once were
the question then becomes who will be choose to be?
In this moment and through this time—
who will we be and how will we lead?
Will we be brave enough to change how we live in order to live another day?
To wage the wars that live within ourselves so that we don’t give this pain to others?
I am so very tired of saying goodbye to beautiful souls much too soon because we have created a culture that near on demands their death rather than support their lives.
What will help me remain true to the tenets of my heart?
It’s not out there.
It’s not loud, abrasive, violent or easily seen by others.
My truth is quiet, steady, abiding.
I survive hell not with the ethos of a warrior but the presence of a loving mother.
Hard days ask me the question, “Did I mean it?”
It’s easy to lead with love and an open heart in safe spaces, but how about in hell?
I am learning that my peace comes in remaining true to my hearts tenets through it all,
come heaven or hell.
The outcome is not up to me.
But I find solace in knowing I did not abandon my truth.
The hard days come, I cannot change that.
How will I meet them?
This is where my power remains.
I choose Love.
For it is Love that keeps me connected to Liam and Miracle.
And it is Love that will guide me Home to them.
How does one end a letter of impossibilities?
I suppose I will simply say this:
While this is an end to this letter, I hope that it is not a forever goodbye.
That we may meet moments of kindness in our worlds and, if not, I hope that we are able to gather the strength to be that kindness for others until we do.
That we allow ourselves to stay open and soft in the world so that in the most impossible of places, we are able to receive the kindness and gentleness that might be waiting there for us.
It is said that pain begets pain, but I know this to be true as well:
love begets love
So let us be Love.
The answer always lies in loving more.
Come Walk in Wonder with Me
In the still moments in between the inhalation and exhalation there’s an invitation to join the world of the souls, a place where all who have lived and loved and all those who are here and those yet to come are able to join together.
To meet and hear each other in this sacred pause.
I invite you to take space away from the busy pace of the doing world and come to be fully still in your world.
See what is there waiting for you and perhaps, if we are so fortunate, who is waiting for us there.
And so we begin once more, here in this moment as it is, whether that be a beginning, a middle, an end or some amalgamation of all three at once.
You are welcome here. You are needed here.
We are individuals, but are never alone in the darkness.
We begin anew together.
With love until next week,
Claire
I recently read that we talk about 'cracks' to let the light in, but really those cracks in our life are to let our light out. Your's is shining brightly Even dark is simply another shade of light.
Thank you. Today seems impossible. This helped. ❤️